Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just pee around me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
