Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The air taste purple.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
