yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
