I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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