yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You can't motorboat a personality
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
