I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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