Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
