I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
