wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
