I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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