Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize