There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
