Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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