when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
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