i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
