so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
