as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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