i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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