I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
