why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
