i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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