A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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