What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
