Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
