Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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