I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
