he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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