I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
