My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
