watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
