Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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