i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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