so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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