Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you didnt know i had herpes?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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