I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize