a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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