The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
