this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
