After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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