I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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