I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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