dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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