Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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