i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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