fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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