i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
