my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
