my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
