youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
