So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
