she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
