Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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