I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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