This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
