i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
