I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
