my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
