If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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