do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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