If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize