Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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