Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize