i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
